Loving the True You
Life can be really difficult some times. I'm not just talking about when someone passes away, or you find out you are diagnosed with cancer, or some other major event happens, I don't mean to belittle these things, because these can most definitely make things difficult. What I am talking about is the little things in life that can build up. In America, we have the tendency to call these things "first world" problems. What often starts off as a first world problem, can often become something greater. So often we can believe the self talk that says, I am worthless. Why am I worthless? Well, isn't it clear (we tell ourselves)? I am not a great sports player, or actor, or musician. I can't get good grades. I am ugly. I don't have the newest and greatest technology. I am just plain old worthless. I'm ordinary. I'm not as good as my sibling. I will never amount to anything. All of these things distract us from knowing who we truly are.
Many of these things listed above, are things I have struggled with either in the past, or still wrestle with now. Growing up, I was the short scrawny kid. I loved sports, but was by no means, the best (or close to it). I did well in school, but never measured up to my brother, who to me, was a genius. In 5th grade, I found out that not only was I not good enough to make the basketball team, but I also dressed like a dork. How did I figure this out? Well, quite simply. My very best friend at the time showed me. I remembered one day, we were in the hall of the school, and he told me to untuck my shirt, because no one tucks their shirt in. He was trying to help me be one of the "cool" kids.
For the next 2 years especially, I stuck out like a sore thumb. Not because of my amazing skills, or dashing good looks, but because of my shortness. Because I was still scrawny. Because I was quite the opposite of the "cool" kid. When I reached 7th grade, I realized even more, that I was an outcast. I was different. Nothing I did was cool. Nothing was good enough. I didn't measure up to anyone (literally, I was short!). I was known at school as the kid who carried a big stack of books around. I was still known as the kid who wore lame clothes. I wasn't smart. In fact, I would go to school for 8 hours, then come home only to have 3 to 4 more hours of homework to do. I fell into this depression, because nothing was good enough. I would wake up every morning with a stomach ache, because I knew I had to go back to school. Tears flowing from my eyes, I wished that this would all just end.
The struggles I was feeling was overwhelming. During my 7th grade year, I had become a hermit. I didn't talk to anyone besides my family, and one friend who lived in my neighborhood. I was depressed. I would cringe going to school, because I knew who I was there. I was an average students. An awkward middle school student who carried as many pounds of books as I weighed, and dressed in a way that was completely unfashionable. This resulted in being mocked and being called various nicknames like dork. I had no friends, no one to look forward to seeing, and no hope of getting out of there. I hated who I was, where I was, and what I wasn't. All of the other kids seemed to have a grip on life, except me.
Because of this, I learned the art of adapting. I learned that in order to not be awkward, I needed to be just like everyone else. The next several years, I did just that. I watched what the other kids did. I saw their behavior. I looked at what they wore, and how they wore it. I made sure that whatever I did, I would fit in with them. I wasn't going to be an outsider anymore. Because of this, I learned some new techniques for making myself feel better about myself. Overtime, I changed clothing styles. Hairstyle. I learned to be sarcastic, just like everyone else was. I learned the art of mocking other people, so that I could make myself feel better. It worked for a little while, but then wore off. I was still that self-conscious, awkward kid I was before.
When it wore off, I felt even worse than before. Now I wasn't just an awkward kid, but I was an awkward kid who was a jerk. Although 8th & 9th grade was better, I still disliked who I was. Although I didn't tell my parents this, thoughts of death went through my head. I was sick of life. I didn't want anything to do with it. I was tired of it, and I was alone. Throughout high school and even into college, thoughts of death would go through my mind. There would be times when I was driving, when I would wish that when I was crossing a railroad track, that a train was coming and plow through my car, so the pain of this life would end. I thought about driving off a bridge, hoping it would end the emotional pain I was feeling. I would sometimes plead for God to take me from this place, because it hurt so bad to be here.
Over the last 7 years or so, my life has been changing. Not because things are going better or worse. Not because I am becoming a man, but because I am learning the truth about who I am. Growing up, I always saw myself as the inferior. The underdog. The "runt" of the litter, so to speak. And maybe I am. But over the past several years, I have been learning so much about who I am. I have been learning, that even though I may not be this amazingly good looking athlete, that doesn't change who I am.
I am a child of the one true King. I am learning, that what I had convinced myself was true, wasn't. When I told myself, and was told, that I am weird, lame, stupid, that wasn't true. I had spent so much time trying to impress all of my peers. I wanted so badly to fit in with my friends. I didn't want to be small. I didn't want to look dorky. I just wanted to fit in. But when my attempts failed, there was very little I could do. But God looked at my heart, he looked at me, and he told me, "Chris, I love you. I made you exactly how I wanted to. You are smaller, but I did that so my power could be seen through you. You aren't a super genius, but I didn't want you to be. I wanted you to be actually who you are. I know you can't swim, but that was so I could save you. So I could show you that I am more powerful than the waves. I don't care if you aren't the most attractive person by everyone on earth's standards, because I love you. Chris, you don't have to measure up to those people. I don't want you to try and be someone else. I want you to just be you. I want you to be the compassionate, soft-hearted, energetic, loving person I created you to be. You don't have to be like everyone else. Just be you."
Over and over again, my Savior has been continuing to teach me this. Sometimes I forget, and I begin to fall back into my old habits. But my Lord reminds me to love my life for what he has given me. He reminds me so much, of who I am, because of what he has done for me. Below are a few reminders.
Jeremiah 29:11 - I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you. To give you hope and a future.
2 Corinthians 5;17 - Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old is gone, the new has come.
Galatians 3:26 - For in Christ Jesus, you are all sons of God through faith.
1 John 1:9 - If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us of all unrighteousness.
"In order for me to love the true me, I need to know the true me. I, Chris, am a sinner saved by the grace and mercy of my loving God. I am an heir to His thrown. I am forgiven by the blood of his son, Jesus Christ, the Holy lamb of God. My identity lies in no one else but Him, both now and forever."
Amen.
Don't forget who you are, a man/woman loved by the one true King. Never forget who you are, or to whom you belong.
Many of these things listed above, are things I have struggled with either in the past, or still wrestle with now. Growing up, I was the short scrawny kid. I loved sports, but was by no means, the best (or close to it). I did well in school, but never measured up to my brother, who to me, was a genius. In 5th grade, I found out that not only was I not good enough to make the basketball team, but I also dressed like a dork. How did I figure this out? Well, quite simply. My very best friend at the time showed me. I remembered one day, we were in the hall of the school, and he told me to untuck my shirt, because no one tucks their shirt in. He was trying to help me be one of the "cool" kids.
For the next 2 years especially, I stuck out like a sore thumb. Not because of my amazing skills, or dashing good looks, but because of my shortness. Because I was still scrawny. Because I was quite the opposite of the "cool" kid. When I reached 7th grade, I realized even more, that I was an outcast. I was different. Nothing I did was cool. Nothing was good enough. I didn't measure up to anyone (literally, I was short!). I was known at school as the kid who carried a big stack of books around. I was still known as the kid who wore lame clothes. I wasn't smart. In fact, I would go to school for 8 hours, then come home only to have 3 to 4 more hours of homework to do. I fell into this depression, because nothing was good enough. I would wake up every morning with a stomach ache, because I knew I had to go back to school. Tears flowing from my eyes, I wished that this would all just end.
The struggles I was feeling was overwhelming. During my 7th grade year, I had become a hermit. I didn't talk to anyone besides my family, and one friend who lived in my neighborhood. I was depressed. I would cringe going to school, because I knew who I was there. I was an average students. An awkward middle school student who carried as many pounds of books as I weighed, and dressed in a way that was completely unfashionable. This resulted in being mocked and being called various nicknames like dork. I had no friends, no one to look forward to seeing, and no hope of getting out of there. I hated who I was, where I was, and what I wasn't. All of the other kids seemed to have a grip on life, except me.
Because of this, I learned the art of adapting. I learned that in order to not be awkward, I needed to be just like everyone else. The next several years, I did just that. I watched what the other kids did. I saw their behavior. I looked at what they wore, and how they wore it. I made sure that whatever I did, I would fit in with them. I wasn't going to be an outsider anymore. Because of this, I learned some new techniques for making myself feel better about myself. Overtime, I changed clothing styles. Hairstyle. I learned to be sarcastic, just like everyone else was. I learned the art of mocking other people, so that I could make myself feel better. It worked for a little while, but then wore off. I was still that self-conscious, awkward kid I was before.
When it wore off, I felt even worse than before. Now I wasn't just an awkward kid, but I was an awkward kid who was a jerk. Although 8th & 9th grade was better, I still disliked who I was. Although I didn't tell my parents this, thoughts of death went through my head. I was sick of life. I didn't want anything to do with it. I was tired of it, and I was alone. Throughout high school and even into college, thoughts of death would go through my mind. There would be times when I was driving, when I would wish that when I was crossing a railroad track, that a train was coming and plow through my car, so the pain of this life would end. I thought about driving off a bridge, hoping it would end the emotional pain I was feeling. I would sometimes plead for God to take me from this place, because it hurt so bad to be here.
Over the last 7 years or so, my life has been changing. Not because things are going better or worse. Not because I am becoming a man, but because I am learning the truth about who I am. Growing up, I always saw myself as the inferior. The underdog. The "runt" of the litter, so to speak. And maybe I am. But over the past several years, I have been learning so much about who I am. I have been learning, that even though I may not be this amazingly good looking athlete, that doesn't change who I am.
I am a child of the one true King. I am learning, that what I had convinced myself was true, wasn't. When I told myself, and was told, that I am weird, lame, stupid, that wasn't true. I had spent so much time trying to impress all of my peers. I wanted so badly to fit in with my friends. I didn't want to be small. I didn't want to look dorky. I just wanted to fit in. But when my attempts failed, there was very little I could do. But God looked at my heart, he looked at me, and he told me, "Chris, I love you. I made you exactly how I wanted to. You are smaller, but I did that so my power could be seen through you. You aren't a super genius, but I didn't want you to be. I wanted you to be actually who you are. I know you can't swim, but that was so I could save you. So I could show you that I am more powerful than the waves. I don't care if you aren't the most attractive person by everyone on earth's standards, because I love you. Chris, you don't have to measure up to those people. I don't want you to try and be someone else. I want you to just be you. I want you to be the compassionate, soft-hearted, energetic, loving person I created you to be. You don't have to be like everyone else. Just be you."
Over and over again, my Savior has been continuing to teach me this. Sometimes I forget, and I begin to fall back into my old habits. But my Lord reminds me to love my life for what he has given me. He reminds me so much, of who I am, because of what he has done for me. Below are a few reminders.
Jeremiah 29:11 - I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you. To give you hope and a future.
2 Corinthians 5;17 - Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old is gone, the new has come.
Galatians 3:26 - For in Christ Jesus, you are all sons of God through faith.
1 John 1:9 - If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us of all unrighteousness.
"In order for me to love the true me, I need to know the true me. I, Chris, am a sinner saved by the grace and mercy of my loving God. I am an heir to His thrown. I am forgiven by the blood of his son, Jesus Christ, the Holy lamb of God. My identity lies in no one else but Him, both now and forever."
Amen.
Don't forget who you are, a man/woman loved by the one true King. Never forget who you are, or to whom you belong.
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